What is the fixation on zombies? Television shows, books and even computer games depict the horrible things that they seemingly do to the living.
Now Ol’ Dutch was raised in a household where my dad was a minister and with no baby sitter available for us kids, we were required to go to a lot of funerals where he was officiating. This led me to a real aversion to such gatherings early on and my only interest in things dead was if it were wildlife which could be eaten.
So the rush to zombie madness has left me “in the dirt” so to speak.
For the uninformed a Zombie is “a corpse said to be revived by witchcraft, especially in certain African and Caribbean religions.” That alone gives Ol’ Dutch the heebeegeebees as my dreams are wild enough already to wake the dead.
Ol’ Dutch, ever the quintessential student of human nature and actions began to notice something strange happening to our society.
Wherever Miss Trixie and I go there seem to be Zombies walking, driving, and eating at family gatherings, parties and even at, God forbid, church.
To the untrained eye I guess it’s hard to spot them and some of that is due to their gradual assimilation into our everyday lives which makes it hard to recognize.
Why just the other day Miss Trixie and I were driving through town and lo-and-behold a female Zombie walked right out in the intersection on a red light without even looking. She almost got hit by Madge who was late for her meeting with the Women’s Aid Society.
Ol’ Dutch could not bear to watch and I just closed my eyes which then resulted in me almost running the red light myself.
After seeing this display of “out of body” experience, I began to really take notice and saw Zombies everywhere.
I saw a young man on a bike also in some trance oblivious to anything around him; a man fishing who had no idea he was getting a bite; and, finally, a girl driving was caught up in the throes of “zombiism” and was swerving like Uncle Ulysses after a trip to the moonshine still.
All of them had the same thing in common. They were entranced with some small object held in their hands some talking, some texting and some just watching videos with titles like “Cat Chases Mouse” or “See Person Fall Down.”
Yes you guessed right. It seems that the voodoo doctors of the islands have somehow witched their way into our cell phones and found a way to make people who use them one of the living dead.
Everywhere you go, you hear these infernal devices beep, vibrate, ding, ring, or ping and you see people cling to them like a defibrillator in an old folks home.
Ol’ Dutch has to admit they are a wondrous device and without them he would not be able to order so much hunting and fishing paraphernalia from the sportsman’s catalogs but it may be out of control.
It came to a head the other night when Miss Trixie and I went out to eat and I suddenly noticed that she was perusing pages of Amazon delivery times, work documents and a page entitled “how to lose your lover.” I realized then that I am quite possibly living with someone who has departed this life and let me tell you sleep came hard that night.
The worst thing about it is that even Ol’ Dutch may be part of the walking dead as I seem to depend on that ratchin fatchin device more and more.
Quickly accessing the great “book of truth,” the Internet, Ol’ Dutch found a further reference to a Zombie. This one says a zombie is “a tall mixed drink consisting of several kinds of rum, liqueur and fruit juice.”
I quickly poured myself a double tall mixture of that concoction and soon found out that I didn’t care anymore about Zombies, World Wars, politics or taxes.
Toward the bottom of the glass Ol’ Dutch found himself not even caring about hunting and fishing and that my friends, is a sure sign that I must be dead.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.