In all of Ol’ Dutch’s experiences with women -- which, I might add, is extensive -- I have noticed that women are shoppers while men are purchasers.
If you have a woman around your premises you already know this phenomena and have given in to the fact.
This time of year brings out a plethora of shopping opportunities since Christmas is just around the corner and it’s a great time to observe the interactions between normally sane couples.
Now in my house, Ol’ Dutch is the bull goose and usually stays home from any shopping adventure that does not involve important things like oil, screw, cow feed or Milk  Duds. There are other men who are not as fortunate as I, though, sitting on benches in malls and stores around the country.
You can spot young love easily as the man in question is holding all these fluffy pink bags and smiling at his beloved in an underwear store. Men later into their romance -- but with not quite enough gonads to stay home and the resulting rhubarb from the beloved -- are sitting in chairs and couches, on benches and boxes scattered around the shopping venues. Waiting.
Women love to peruse the aisles and look at every item to make sure they are getting not only a good deal but that it’s not like the one their friend Myrna has. Men on the other hand want a chainsaw, hammer, lawnmower, pants, shirt, camo coat and boots JUST like their friend Bill has. So the choices are easy for him.
Returns are not something most men are familiar with as once we get something we keep it even if we have to stack it up unused in the corner of the garage. No man is going to stand in the Customer Service counter at the local mart to take something back as evidenced by the long lines of women only at such counters.
A relative of Ol’ Dutch has decided that Christmas would be a good time to get married out in the middle of the wilderness and of course figured that everyone else would see the wonder in having it that time of year. I do wonder what was going through their minds.
My daughter Cricket and her husband Cap are going to make a showing and not having seen them in awhile, I, too, will make an effort to show up.
News came of late that it’s a formal affair and my normal camo pants and ratty shirts will not suffice for such an event and this sent Trixie into a frenzy trying to find not only herself some fancy clothes but some for Ol’ Dutch.
Off she went to the stores and came home with armloads of stuff to try on and I was careful to say I liked each and every item that she bought for herself. I am considerate in that way, you know.
The things she had bought for me had shrunk as they did not fit and hence the reason men go to the store and BUY clothes when we need them not a week ahead of time.
So Friday will find Ol’ Dutch in Kansas trying to act nice and civil, shaved and all purtied up best he can be for The Event. My dad will officiate the wedding and even though he is batting about 50/50 with lasting marriages among his own kin, they decided to roll the dice anyway.
For the rest of you, enjoy your Christmas holiday and be grateful that you, at least, are not sitting in a wedding with pants too tight. I’d rather join you on the bench, waiting.
Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.