It was recently reported that the family of a veteran was awarded $2.3 million for his mistreatment and subsequent death at the Veterans Affairs Hospital.
This got me to thinking— a risky adventure at best according to Trixie— about the value of a human being.
At first appearances it seems the VA got off pretty cheap as the man did, after all, serve his country and deserve the very best in treatment. For the rest of us, however, what price tag would others affix on our individual lives?
All of us have heard of someone being called “worthless” or “not worth a plug nickel” and a few among us maybe even have had those monikers linked to our own lives.
One I like is the phrase “not worth a tinker’s dam” which you don’t hear anymore as it had to do with the old practice of plumbers soldering together pipes with putty dams. But it’s still a good one to use if someone messes up the repairs to your house or cannot hold a job.
Luckily in English, we have the ever-useful word “as” to use in expression comparisons and metaphors. As worthless as “teats on a boar hog” is a favorite expression that usually brings raised eyebrows in mixed crowds as though the speaker had actually said some swear word.
Now, of course, anyone who has ever been on a farm knows all about teats on hogs, dogs and cows. It’s the other yahoos who think that there is something dirty talking about milking time and other bovine experience.
The value of the human body is said to be worth exactly $1987.55 in mineral value and Ol’ Dutch thinks that probably varies depending on just how much body a person carries around with them. I was feeling kind of low thinking that my body was only worth $2000, so I turned to Google to find out if anyone had done further research about the subject.
As it turns out some scientist was paid some ungodly sum to re-evaluate these numbers. He decided that the sum of every person’s DNA and bone morrow is worth about $45 million. Now that is some serious inflation from a measly $2000.
For $45 million, there are a few people that I would be willing to bid farewell to for a share of that amount, but I don’t think the local bone yard is giving out that kind of incentive. So, don’t go thinking this is a get-rich-quick scheme for your family. They would rather have you alive, breathing and giving out hugs, trust me.
We’ve all heard that the way to increase your value in this lifetime is through education. And, that’s true. But, I’ve noticed that some people of a certain socio-economic class have figured out how to get a diploma without doing all of the hard work required.
They simply bestow honorary degrees on one another or give out Medals of Merit or some such nonsense thereby increasing their imagined worth. Nothing like a fake college certificate hanging on the wall to make one think better of himself but those usually come with a price tag of a monetary contribution to a college.
So Ol’ Dutch has decided to come to the rescue of the “rest of us” and offer honorary degrees for “participation in life.”  I have known a lot of folks who got honorary degrees and Merit Medals simply because of their wealth and now I want to recognize those of us who have lived, worked and raised a family.
What mother doesn’t deserve a diploma for raising kids and what dad doesn’t need one for working hard for his family all of his life?
So if you are in the market to improve your value, apply for the honorary “Life Survival Degree” through Ol’ Dutch University.
Then sit back and watch your life improve as you rub shoulders with the rich and famous. Press releases of your recent success can be distributed for an additional fee.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.