Trout Republic - Rent-a-husband


When Ol’ Dutch was going through the process of matrimonial disengagement, I moved to a new area and subsequently didn’t know anyone.
Living near a large city someone told me about a service called “Rent-a-friend.” And not being one to turn down a good gig I signed up to be a friend to others and accompany them to ball games, movies, dinners and church. Long story short I moved before I was asked to be anyone’s friend, but I could quickly see the need for rent-a-someone for specific needs.
Women have been doing this for eons in Las Vegas but that’s a whole ‘nother cat to skin and illegal to boot.
Getting online, there are several Rent-a-wife ads and these women will run your errands, clean your house and generally do everything you needed done -- sans the hands on part, of course.
So Ol’ Dutch not to be outdone decided to run his own ad for Rent-a-husband in the local Facebook garage sale pages and earn a little extra spending money to boot.
If there is one thing I have learned it’s that generally the romance wears off a relationship sometime between cake cutting at the wedding and child No. 3.
This leaves a vacuum to be filled by a stand-in husband and that is where I come in.
My rent-a-husband ad reads something like this: “Husband for rent. Providing quality husband like duties. We will spend the day with you picking out curtains, talking about remodeling, taking you shopping, doing simple repairs, watch a movie, eating out or any other things your husband will not do. Visiting your mother is extra. No hanky, no panky.”
The last sentence was added when I realized that I did not want to run an escort service and end up in jail with Bubba – and, even more importantly, to prevent Miss Trixie from burying a knife in my chest while I sleep.
Even with the hanky and panky off the tables, the responses flooded in and Ol’ Dutch could see himself on his way to financial freedom. Because it’s easy to be nice for a day and act like I care. It’s the long-term that gets us men in trouble.
Not to leave out the unmarried O’ Dutch also ran an ad for “Wedding Shower Special. This is where the man shows up at the intended bride’s house and lays around on the couch, leaves underwear on the floor, dirty dishes in the living room, watches balls games all day and says ‘huh?’ when she asks any questions.”
It’s a great gift to give to soon-to-be brides as they can get used to the inevitable path of wedded bliss.
The ad respondents were all very genuine and heartfelt in their need for a husband, but none came with the necessary monetary promises. At least I hope the women who read it got a few laughs.
Several had suggestions of items to include like taking them shopping on my dime but you have to draw the line somewhere in a service industry.
The moderators of said pages let it slide due to the huge response and actually it’s not a bad idea and not much different from hiring a plumber or electrician as I am willing to provide a service that their husbands are unwilling – or incapable of doing -- at this point in the relationship.
And if you think about it, this also is good for the men as it frees them up to go hunting and fishing or to play golf, hang out with their buddies and find a girlfriend.
There was a time when the man pledged his life and fortune to these same wives and was willing to give everything they owned to marry them. And as many found out in the divorce, that’s about what it cost them in the end. Everything.
As with any good idea my ad ran its course and the responses finally slowed down without one paying customer- just a lot of hilarious responses.
I honestly think I have hit on a great idea and plan on offering franchises in other cities across America. The problem is finding enough men who can provide one day’s full service. Even for money.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.

More In Opinion