Trout Republic

It all began with instant potatoes, actually; that moment when all of a sudden we could not wait 45 minutes for fluffy potatoes and had to have some NOW.
It was a slippery slope from there on out and now we have become a nation of people totally impatient for tomorrow. Nothing is safe from this incessant rush to experience the future.
Retail sales have caught on to this trend and now offer things to us we cannot afford in ways that make it possible to bypass paying for them today – all on 72 easy payments of $56.
No matter where Ol’ Dutch goes there are signs erected telling me how I can save $25 if I just sign up for their credit card. The Big Box does this and even Amazon offers huge savings if you sign your life away to future payments.
Anyone who has been tempted by these easy payment schemes, soon finds out that around payment No. 17 the item breaks and we are stuck with something that doesn’t work and we are still paying for it.
Perusing the local Facebook garage sale or Craigslist ads I can see many of these items listed for sale now, the sheen long gone from that ATV, bowflex, easy glider, couch and television. Most sit in growing weed piles around houses also on payments.
Ol’ Dutch is not immune to the call of instant gratification especially when it comes to download speed. I want my Internet now and I want it fast. Slow connections that used to be the norm now make me crazy as a pet coon.
Last week the Big Boys got the jump on Black Friday by turning out their advertising for that shopping day two weeks early. They do this earlier each year to whet our appetites for that new TV, Xbox, Magic Pony or some other item we just cannot live without.
Miss Trixie and I have made a point to make our once a year date night to be at the local Wal-Mart Thanksgiving night. It’s a tradition like turkey and dressing for us and watching the mad house erupt around us is part of the fun.
We don’t need anything nor do we buy anything but seeing people rip open pallets of Princess Iceberg and boxes of women’s girdles amazes even me. They even bring their own box cutters so at least we know they are local and didn’t fly in.
Every once in a while, Ol’ Dutch actually finds a few good deals he can’t pass up. Things like memory cards for my trail cameras, shotgun shells and a camo coat -- all things that I really need.
Due to the actions of the crazy shoppers, Wal-Mart has implemented a system whereby customers go to a place such as the garden center to line up for 45 inch televisions. Because, well, where else would you find a TV but in the garden center?
This has cut down on the number of mad rushes to aisles full of products and has also cut down on Ol’ Dutch’s fun watching women fight over plastic toys, baubles, bling and tangerine colored sheets.
And many items purchased on Thanksgiving and Black Friday are actually sent right to shoppers homes thereby eliminating crying babies and cranky husbands standing in lines reaching nearly to the gates of Hades itself.
What a shame. Ruining a tradition should have some kind of ramification.
I do know it’s illegal to yell “Fire!” in a theater but wonder if it is illegal to stand up and yell “$50 Televisions in the Women’s Lingerie” in that crowd?
If the Lord doesn’t come, California slide off into the Pacific or Yellowstone erupt in the next week, this column will find its way to you shoppers out there waiting anxiously for the big day.

Just follow rule No. 1 and leave the men at home and you too can have a great day of financing your future.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.