When our publisher began looking for someone to captain our golf team for a recent fundraiser, it only made sense that she came to me first. That’s because, being that I was once a sports writer, I’m naturally a great golfer. Just like I’m a great shot-put thrower, quarterback, point guard, stock-car racer, Extreme skateboarder, free-style swimmer and calf roper. In fact, I sometimes wonder where I might be today had my sports career not been tragically cut short by my complete lack of athletic talent. This discovery was made as early as first grade when, during a dodgeball game, I was knocked unconscious and rushed to the nurse’s office after being hit by the ball.
Forty-seven times.
(And I should mention that recess only lasted 10 minutes in those days.)
After agreeing to captain our golf team, I gave myself a crash course on golfing — beginning with golf terminology. I immediately went online for help and, thanks to the power of the Internet, found myself on an inappropriate website after typing in the first term on my list: Mixed Foursome.
For anyone else who might be looking to the Internet for golf-term clarifications, I’d also suggest avoiding Scotch Foursome, Shag Bag and Loose Impediments. While these are all legitimate golfing terms, try explaining that to your wife when she finds doing an Internet search for the term Double-D.
(Which, by the way, means when a driver is used on the fairway after it has also been used to tee off — so THERE, Mrs. Smarty Pants.)
After getting a handle on the game’s terminology, the next thing on my list was golf etiquette. I know for a lot of people, one of the things that keeps them from actually trying golf is the fear of unintentionally doing something that, as a result of not knowing the proper etiquette, gets them clubbed to death by someone with a 9-iron. That’s because, to the outside observer, things that seem to warrant a good clubbing are actually no big deal. You want to swing your club and take a six-inch gouge out of an otherwise perfect lawn?
Fine.
Want to drink a beer AND drive an electric go-cart through the woods?
Perfectly acceptable.
However, walk between someone’s ball and a small hole in the ground, and there’s a good chance you’ll be found floating in a water hazard.
The thing to remember is that you will undoubtedly make some mistakes your first time on the course, and that’s to be expected. What won’t be expected is a hollowed-out golf club that can be loaded with tees and used as a blowgun should you need to defend yourself.
But you didn’t hear that from me.
This brings us to the actual fundamentals of playing golf — which begins with finding your “natural swing.” Ask any golfer the secret to doing this, and they’ll tell you it’s all about having the proper grip. To achieve this, simply make sure the back of your left hand as well as the palm of your right hand is both facing your target. Then, using the thumb of your right hand as a guide, wrap your fingers around one side, then do the same with your left while, very slowly, bringing them both back into a perfect arch so that your beer doesn’t spill on the way to your mouth.
After a couple of practice swigs, place your beer back in the cooler and you’re ready to tee-off.
This may not improve your swing much, but it will provide you with a legitimate excuse as to why you shot a 167 on a par-72 course.
And if that isn’t enough, you can always claim that playing in a mixed foursome was just too darned distracting.

You can write to Ned Hickson at [email protected], or at c/o Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St., Florence, Ore. 97439.