As a journalist, I’m trained to recognize the subtlest signs of trouble.
A misspoken word.
A reluctant glance.
A gang of monkeys destroying a library.
Thanks to my training and experience — and several highlighted newspaper clippings sent in by concerned readers — I have painstakingly pieced together what I, as a member of the conservative media, believe is undeniable evidence that animals are planning to take over the world.
We will begin in eastern India, where scores of monkeys have overrun Loreto College in Darjeeling — an institute of high learning, which had once taken great pride in its slogan:
Unlimited tea and monkey-free.
“That has all changed now,” said one student, who refused to be identified out of fear of reprisal. “They interrupt my classes, steal my lunch, hassle me and the other students. It’s like high school all over again.”
According to the article, which was first reported by the Indo-Asian News Service and sent to me by Norman Buckner of Atlanta, Ga., the biggest problem is that the monkeys have no fear of humans. This in spite of repeated threats by angry school officials to “fail each and every student without an opposable thumb.”
As unsettling as that article was, it wasn’t until reading this next piece from the New York Post that I began to consider canceling my PETA membership. This story was frightening for two reasons. First, because it involves rats (which, as many of you know, I would recall from Earth given the proper authority), and second because the thought of rats popping up in a toilet has caused me to consider switching to a full-time liquid diet.
According to an article sent in by Tammy Ruger of DeSoto, Texas, a Brooklyn woman heard splashing in her commode one night and, after lifting the lid, was startled to find...
You guessed it: A monkey!
Okay, not really.
It was a rat. Possibly experienced in pearl diving. The woman, who has since moved to a fifth-story apartment in Idaho, said that upon seeing the rodent swimming in her commode, she immediately dropped the lid, called the city’s Public Works Department, where she was told she wasn’t alone, and that there were rats everywhere! Emerging from the sewers and consuming people in SLOBBERING, RABID HORDES!
This was followed by screaming, laughter and a dial tone.
Public Works officials later explained that sewers in many larger cities have rats, and that they can sometimes scurry up a pipe and into someone’s toilet bowl, leaving residents “a little shaken.”
Or, in the case of one humor columnist who asked not to be identified, too traumatized to sit on anything other than a hammock.
Our final piece of evidence comes from Doreen Kimble of Santa Clara, Calif., who called my attention to an incident in which hawks — specially trained to keep pigeons from doing what pigeons do on visitors to the Boston Public Library — were grounded after one raptor scooped up an unsuspecting Chihuahua.
The dog’s owner, who asked not to be identified for fear of reprisal (mostly from his Chihuahua), said he believes his dog was mistaken for a rat — which make sense except for one important detail:
According to the article, neither of them were anywhere near a commode.

Write to Ned at nedhickson@icloudcom, or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Or. 97439