Teaching a child to bowl is truly a bonding experience — meaning that you should really consider taking out a bond before entering the bowling alley.

As someone who escaped the experience with only a minor skull fracture and minimal orthodontic surgery, I feel I’ve acquired a level of expertise that could be helpful. First of all, don’t change into your bowling shoes while in the carpeted area. It will give you a false sense of security — and make you less prepared for the realization that walking in tractionless shoes on a highly-waxed surface is a lot like strapping soap bars to your feet and trying to cross a wet mirror.

Ironically, your children will have a natural ability to perform double axels over the same surface. That isn’t to say that you won’t, it’s just that theirs will be on purpose.

When it comes to selecting a bowling ball, remember: At some point it will be hurled backwards and into your stomach, chin, and/or groin. So go light, and make sure your child’s fingers fit the holes snuggly. A ball that’s moving out of control but still attached to a small child can provide you with an extra two seconds of reaction time.

As most bowlers know, delivery style is a crucial element to success. A curve or spin placed at just the right arc can mean the difference between a strike or split. Fortunately, you won’t have to worry about either since your child’s delivery will be closer to something like this:

Walk up to line.

Lift ball over head.

Throw ball straight down.

Get soda while ball is moved by earth’s gravity toward pins.

It’s at this point that the manager will offer your child free, personal instruction that begins immediately.

Next, don’t forget to ask for bumpers, which are metal gates about six inches high that extend to block the gutters and keep the ball in play. In addition to that, consider bringing along some extra fencing [chain-link is best] that can be attached to the bumpers. Though the metal gates keep the ball in play, the fencing will ensure that play remains in your lane.

Finally, it’s inevitable that your child will become infatuated with the ball-return mechanism, which is sort of like a giant throat that hacks up bowling balls from somewhere beneath the lanes. At some point, your child will begin hovering around it in spite of your warnings that ball-return machines have been known to suddenly switch into reverse and suck small children into them, where they are forced to live as pin-setters until released by a 800-series bowler.

This makes no difference to a 5-or 6-year-old drawn to the mystery of the ball-return machine — which brings me to my final suggestion:

If you have a child who bowls, always keep a spare.

You can write to Ned Hickson at [email protected], or c/o the Siuslaw News, 148 Maple St., Florence, Ore. 97439