Whoever coined the term “friends with benefits” certainly knew a good thing and was exactly what Ol’ Dutch was looking for when he first moved to Colorful Colorado.
Now while you may look askance at me like someone who would swipe ketchup packets from the Golden Arches for saying such a thing, let me explain. As a hunting man, my definition of “friends with benefits” differs a little from most people.
In this day and age where people are long on desires and short on commitment there has surfaced a tendency for people to just have others around for their own pleasures and little else.
Now while that may work out for some and seems to be the choice for those out there that have had their fill of the opposite sex on a long-term basis, Ol’ Dutch was always afraid of getting the walking fox trot. And some trots the doctors cannot even cure.
But when I moved to Colorado I immediately went on the search for a Friend With Benefits (FWB) situation to suit my needs.
I decided that church was probably the best place to meet new people and so the first Sunday found me singing away and scoping out the congregation. Thankfully this church had an after sermon gathering and it was there I scored my first FWB.
For sitting with all the women was “Cindy” and she was friendly as the dickens which helps when trying to score in this manner.
It didn’t take Ol’ Dutch long to find out she had land along the river and soon I was fishing my way into nirvana on a private stretch of trout filled waters, aka the perfect “benefit” for a friend to have at least for Ol’ Dutch.
For you see, when you love to hunt and fish and it totally consumes your life, access to property is akin to scoring the highest marks on a SAT test as those follow you the rest of your life and so does access to land if you mind your p’s and q’s.
“Cindy” and I soon became fast friends and she was just the first among many single women that have let me fish and hunt on their land.
Yes it takes some work to keep on their good sides and retain access but since Ol’ Dutch loves to flirt and laugh, it’s fairly easy to do. I take showers, don’t swear much and if they are divorced, listen about their ex-husbands with bended ear.
Not all of my FWB are women, of course, as there are men who own land and so have access to good hunting and fishing. But you tend to get funny looks when you use that terminology when talking about Bill or Bob so I just keep that under wraps.
Now for most of you out there who have wives and significant others, the mere mention of a FWB will bring certain destruction upon your head so be careful what you say and how you say it.
Miss Trixie so enjoys the wild game that Ol’ Dutch brings home that she lets me have a few FWB even of the female persuasion but of course she also knows those women would conk me on the head if I tried anything untoward.
This FWB also works if you have good family members with friends. My father has been a pastor for 72 years and in that line of work has made a lot of friends. Being from Kansas many of them were farmers and had land that we got to hunt on.
And with good amount of effort Ol’ Dutch has maintained that FWB status albeit second hand through my dad. It really doesn’t matter how you get there as long as a deer, ducks, pheasants, elk, pronghorn or some kind of fish is on the stringer at the end of the day.
Yes, a FWB is a wondrous thing if you can get it and I encourage you to find some of your own if you are allowed. Sure is cheaper than the other kind and saves a lot in the divorce.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.