I know it’s hard for many of you to believe but Ol’ Dutch was not always the self-reliant master of my domain that you all see today.
When I was forced into bachelorhood years ago when my ex split the sheets, I had to learn new tricks to survive like doing my own laundry. I soon found out that a lack of pink or red clothes meant I could put it all together in one wash like some Chinese soup concoction.
It also helped that I didn’t care what it looked like and that in and of itself is the key to being a happy bachelor.
Ol’ Dutch had always been able to cook pretty well and so was able to get by in that area, at least enough to satisfy me and Cooper the Yorkie. Grilling is about as basic as you get and frozen peas filled in many a day on those meals thanks to Mr. Microwave and his invention.
Cleaning house, however, was another story for me. That was the hardest part to learn and I am still deficient in that area and the main reason I have Miss Dixie Trixie. Well, maybe not the main reason but she does come in handy in that regard.
Ol’ Dutch did fall into a couple secrets to cleaning early on however, and will happily share with you as they may come in handy at your house, too.
One thing I noticed right off was the toilet was in constant need of attention in the cleaning department. No matter how good your aim, there are splashes, dribbles and eruptions that cause issues.
Enter bleach. Ol’ Dutch soon found out that bleach will kill just about any and everything on any surface so I purchased a cheap spray bottle and soon liberal amounts of bleach were sprayed on every surface in the house, including me.
Now every time I use the facilities a dose of Clorox follows and the cleansing power of chemical warfare wafts up and out of the bathroom.
A word of caution, overspray can be an issue but bleach stains on the towels is really no problem for me. Miss Trixie, however, feels differently about that. I guess “good towels that cost a fortune” are no longer good if they have bleach spots on them.
Back to the matter at hand, try as I may to wipe each surface after my dosing of the germs, Miss Trixie has sat on a bleach-wetted seat more than once and I think she may be going blonde.
Not to be outdone in the chemical weapons department Miss Trixie has resorted to the use of commercial degreaser and will spray the dishes with it after preparing a meal. This drifts onto my meal and Ol’ Dutch now is grease-free stem to stern.
Just the other day in a rush to clean the toilet seat, I accidently got ahold of the Resolve which is a surface restorer. Little did I know just how slick this stuff was until I tried to sit down later on that appliance and slid off the seat onto the floor.
Once on, it is hard to wash off, too, which may require the use of sandpaper on either the seat or my posterior.
Ol’ Dutch never has liked the smell of chemicals but the movie Apocalypse Now has a famous line where the Robert Duvall, upon seeing a huge bombing run says “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”
I never had the opportunity to smell that stuff but some things sure have stayed with me for life. Bleach, ammonia, weed spray, gasoline, diesel and bug spray all have a distinct and yet comforting smell to Ol’ Dutch.
But one thing holds out as the worst there is and to be avoided at all costs. That is the smell of a permanent being applied to some woman’s mop of hair.
Nothing can prepare a young man for such smells or odiferous offense that this causes and once initiated to that smell, we avoid those parlors like a flea does Dawn soap.
So, ladies, here’s advice from Ol’ Dutch. If you have problems with your man in the bathroom, install a spray bottle of bleach as no God-fearing American boy can resist the urge to point and shoot. Oh, and put away the good towels.
 
Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.