Backing into a divorce


Miss Trixie and I have finally arrived in the bountiful state of Colorado and the cool temperatures sure are a nice change from the hot Texas sun. Before we left the Lone Star State, we experienced some 90 degree days there and while that might be a nice spring day to those hardy Texans, it was too much for Ol’ Dutch and his sensitive disposition.

When we arrived our camping spot was not quite ready for our summer stay, so we are staying at a friend’s house for a few days. Our friends are out of town for a few days, so we get the unexpected pleasure of lounging inside their wonderful and welcoming abode. One thing that was so nice about staying there was Miss Trixie, and I could stand up at the same time, which is impossible in the RV. That thing has a one-butt-kitchen and it’s been a long 11 years bumping derrieres every time you need a drink of water.

The day we arrived in South Fork, Colorado, Ol’ Dutch, ever the Rainman, conjured up a nice rain shower and hopefully I can continue right on into a long and soaking monsoon season. The river looks pretty good right now, but talk is it won’t last all summer so if you are going to get in some quality rafting, now is the time to get wet.

And speaking of rafting, Miss Trixie is taking a daily vacation from wonderful, kind and patient Ol’ Dutch and helping Mountain Man Rafting in South Fork. So, if you want a great whitewater ride on the mighty Rio Grande, now is the time to put on those shorts and book a trip. And as a bonus you will get to meet Miss Trixie and judge for yourself just how rough Ol’ Dutch has it cohabitating with her Highness.

One part of Miss Trixie’s job will be backing up the trailer to the boat ramp. Boy, I’m sure glad I won’t be around for that as it would be certain death to our relationship. As it is, our annual “big fight” is the one that happens when we back the camper into our spot here in South Fork. If you have not ever tried backing up a 37’ fifth wheel, it's not too bad except that Miss Trixie in her ever sensitive and gratuitous manner stands in the blind spot when trying to help Ol’ Dutch. Or more than likely she will strike up a month-long conversation with whomever is present at the time totally ignoring the task at hand. This results in what is known as a “rhubarb” as Ol’ Dutch about loses what mind he has left as he waits blocking traffic in every direction.

From campgrounds to boat ramps, you will see more arguments and fights in one day than you thought possible as previous loving spouses try and back something into somewhere. That is why in the manuals you get for campers or boats there is a section on backing them up safely under the chapter titled “Divorce.” Which I find hilarious as most people finance their toys long-term and in doing so may be headed for a short-term marriage.

Whoever said camping was fun? Well probably someone who hasn’t backed into a tight spot with directions from a waving, shouting, screaming spouse. I look forward to it every year, like folks look forward to a good case of the stomach flu and multiple runs to the store for toilet paper for that back-end event.

But we will survive our upcoming event and Miss Trixie gets an added benefit this summer of hanging with the cool kids at Mountain Man Rafting. As happy as she was the first day she came home from her job, it kind of made Ol’ Dutch wonder about her happiness (or lack thereof) of living with me 24-7. But I soon discarded that nonsensical train of thought as I am sure she is just enjoying the fresh mountain air as I am the catch of the century still.

And at this juncture I think Ol’ Dutch just may have backed himself into a corner with her much like a donkey backing into a barrel cactus in Sonora, California. So, I best close this down and see if I can find a way to pluck out those sharp spines from my backside.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com.

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